– I didn’t burn my toast this morning.
I woke up because of my alarm. As soon as I opened my eyes, the sunlight beaming from my room’s window hit my eye, it’s not that I do not experience this everyday, but I don’t know, I just can’t get used to it. Every time it hits my eye, I can’t help but to close it in an instant.
When I turned my alarm off, everything went silent again. All I can hear is the honking from the cars outside passing by our house. I sighed, I love silent mornings, but sometimes I hate it, too. I can’t get used to it, but I have to.
Doing my every morning routine became boring, but I do not have a choice. My only choice is to get through each day, wake up for the next day, and continue it again and again. . .and again.
Life I have may not be as thrilling as the other people have, but I have my fair share of thrillers, too. But I do not consider it thrilling, I call it something that keeps me alive.
Every weekend when I cook lunch for me and my brother, that’s one of the things that keeps me alive.
When I had to do the laundry right after I entered home because my brother accidentally spilled juice on his white polo, it is also one of the things that keeps me alive.
When I had to stay up all night to finish a group paper because a group mate didn’t finish his or her part due to some circumstances, it’s impossible to think but. . that keeps me alive.
When I had to sacrifice the weekend to come with my brother for his school events, it is also one of the things that keeps me alive.
Those are just a few things that kept and are keeping me alive. I don’t know if those are really reasons, or it just kept me busy and distracted.
But, despite me doing things for others, it doesn’t always go smoothly.
When I cooked lunch for us on weekends, I had to think of food, I had to figure out how to cook this or that, or anything my brother requested. I had to endure the heat and some cuts from the knife when my mind was clouded.
When I had to do the laundry right after entering our premises, my mind was clouded because of school work, having a hard time figuring out what soap to use, how could I remove the stains? It takes me minutes, or hours.
When I had to stay up all night, just to finish a group paper, all I had was my empty cups of coffee lining beside my books and notes, my hands were already too weak from typing and writing, my eyes were already closing.
When I had to go with my brother to his school for family events, because our parents couldn’t come. Me, in a place full of people, on a weekend, instead of laying on my bed and resting my eyes.
Even though those events kept me alive, those events made me question life, too. Do I deserve to live like this? Do I deserve to do things alone? Do I deserve to do things for others? Do I not deserve to be the someone with someone too?
Those thoughts vanished when I remembered I had to flip my toast that’s in the frying pan. All my worries flew away when I saw it was not burnt.
I ate my toast in peace this morning.
Yesterday, the last day, and last week, I burnt it.
I didn’t burn my toast today. I hope you saw.
And I hope you can notice that like you, I need someone, too.
