– I’ll raise my white flag, just listen to me, Ma.
I grew up getting uncomfortable when the room was in complete silence, but, I also shiver when they started yelling. I fear silence, but I fear yelling more. It made me and still makes me feel that I do not have a voice; that I do not deserve to be heard.
I always engage in different arguments with my parents, but I always have disagreements mostly with my mom. We have the exact same personality when it comes to arguing. We don’t want to stop, not until someone raises their white flag — which does not happen most of the time.
If I voice out, she always thinks that I’m screaming, that I’m raising my voice, that I just want to shout at her; but I don’t. She just doesn’t hear me that’s why my voice is getting higher; but even with this high voice, she can’t hear me, she wouldn’t listen to me. . .ever.
That’s why, if I can, I sometimes choose to stay silent, because even if I do have a voice, no one would listen, she would not listen.
My mother can feel everyone’s agony, my mother can hear everyone’s wailing, but not mine. She knows how to comfort everyone but me. She knows how to relate to everyone but me.
“Everyone’s going through deep shits,” she says, but except for me. Everyone, except me.
Every time I try to open up about how exhausted I am, it will just lead to a competition of who is more exhausted, of who’s been through more, of who experienced more. I’m not used to it, I just got so tired that I stopped arguing about it.
They say that if you get used to it, it’ll pass, I wish it was that easy, I wish it really happens. Years have passed and I still don’t have the voice to make her listen.
But, even if I do have the voice, she’ll never listen. Her ears were only open to voices that will agree with her. Her ears are only attentive to people who side with her. Her ears are only open for positive comments about her. Her ears are always open for that but never for my voice.
When will you listen, Ma? When will you hear my voice?
I’m not screaming, Ma. I just want you to hear me. But these voices are nothing if your ears are closed for me.
I’m willing to raise this white flag and lower my voice, just listen to me. Just hear me.
